Carving out couple time

Taking time to nurture your primary relationship is not only the key to its success, it lays a solid foundation for your children.

We snuck out at dawn, exhausted but exhilarated, careful not to awaken the three-year-old sleeping angel upstairs. Our mission? To carve out some much-needed couple time by taking an overnight trip to catch a Bruce Springsteen show. We giggled like teenagers as we removed the car seat and loaded in grown-up snacks and CDs. And then, blowing a kiss up towards our son’s bedroom window, we sped off on an adventure most new parents fear they will never have again.

Finding time alone after children come along seems nearly impossible, but parents who found creative ways to stay close say it’s crucial to keep your relationship strong.

“When Chuck and I fell in love, we vowed to grow with each other during our child-rearing phase and beyond,” explains Sue McKitrick, mom to James, 10 and Elijah, 8.

“We have a great support network and babysitters that help us out. We’ve built that into our budget and into our life,” says McKitrick, adding they also regularly take off on short motorcycle rides, leaving Grandma behind with the boys.
Once a year, the McKitricks take a weeklong trip together. Can’t imagine being away from your kids without feeling guilty? McKitrick believes time with her husband is good for everyone. “I come back and I’m fresh. When I’m fresh, everybody’s happy,” she reasons.
Keeping the lines of communication wide open is the first step when parents start to resent the fact that spontaneous nights out have become a thing of the past, says Dianne Gilmour, a registered clinical counselor who works with couples. “Parenting young children can so easily make couple time seem like at best, a luxury, or at worst, a complete inconvenience,” notes Gilmour, the mother of two teenage sons. “Kids can set the agenda for every spare moment of our time, and over the years, the importance of the couple takes a back seat.”

Whether your kids are 13 months or 13 years old, making small changes in your daily routine with each other can make a huge difference, advises Gilmour. “The spontaneity factor no longer exists when we have kids, so we have to create it. Use every opportunity you can to connect. Be curious about each other’s day, and maintain that friendship factor in your relationship. At least five times a day, make a conscious effort to touch each other; something as simple as a light touch on the cheek will keep that intimacy alive.”

For many parents, finding a shred of energy to keep intimacy alive is a huge challenge. “Couples will say that they’re exhausted by the time their kids go to bed, even if it’s at 7:30,” notes Gilmour, “but it’s really important to find the energy to do something that you both enjoy doing together.”

Karen Bowman and her husband Daryl, parents to Kylee, 6 and Connor, 2, have done just that. “We need to be as connected as we can to be the best possible parents to our children,” says Bowman. “If we’re completely frazzled and disconnected, they’re not getting the best parenting from us, so we make it a priority to have the energy. It’s not just the chores in life that you need to find energy for, it’s finding time for yourselves.”

Bowman is blessed with parents who live 15 minutes away, and who gave the couple an ingenious Christmas gift last year. “It’s a ‘Date Night A Month’ card, so once a month, they’ll watch the kids all night long, or even for a sleepover,” she says.
Gilmour tells her clients that parents who regularly spend quality time together set a great example for their children. “The strength of your bond is really crucial to the sense of security for your kids.”

Wendy Helfenbaum and her husband continue to indulge their love for live music, exploiting their son’s amazingly accommodating grandmothers as much as possible.