Does preventing failure prevent success?

Parents step in to playground disputes, shield children from reaching limits of ability and try to insulate them from emotionally charged events. Over-monitoring and over-managing a child’s life experiences can prevent them from developing effective coping strategies.

Failure has a bad reputation. Yes, it comes with a price. Too much failure can begin to affect self-esteem and willingness to try, but protecting children from ever experiencing failure can also instil a sense of entitlement as the child grows into adulthood.  Mistake making is a critical part of learning and growing. Meeting challenges at every age, earning praise and success through mastery of new skills, and branching into independent, self-sufficiency is imperative for growth.  This is the healthy learning curve.
Parents who continually solve problems for their children and try to protect them from frustration and disappointment actually limit a child’s potential.

“The job parents have is to create a bridge from where the child is to new skills and new successes – through nurturing and guidance,” explains Family Time Coach and Consultant Karen Deerwester, author of The Entitlement-Free Child.  “In this way, the child grows with a sense of competence and mastery, with a wealth of problem-solving ability. The child is resilient, resourceful and adaptable in an ever-changing world.”

Those first playground arguments, the first D on a test, and the tears that come after they are picked last for the volleyball team can wrench away a parent’s good sense, and leave them trying to fill the void with actions that compensate. Is there a fear that if parents don’t insulate children from bad feelings, negative thoughts and challenging situations they may not turn out to be happy kids and therefore happy adults?

Children need to be given personal responsibility for their bodies and their actions.  When a child is shielded from experiencing limits or the complexities of the real world, it is easy for them to assume they know all the answers…they live in a protective bubble. How devastating then, to face reality at an advanced age, and have no coping skills!
If a child is physically and mentally able to accomplish a task, and there is no fear they may be hurt in the effort, it is a wise parent who steps back and allows the attempt without interference.  
If your children never fall down in the sand, how will they learn to pick themselves up and dust off for the next try?  Will they want to try again?

Sara Dimerman, parenting expert, psychologist, and author of Am I a Normal Parent? says, “It is important to not do for our children what they are capable of doing for themselves - if we constantly jump in and take over then we are sending a message that he or she may not be capable. Although we can always be by the sidelines, watching and monitoring, it may be best to wait a few seconds or minutes longer before rescuing.  If we rush in too quickly, we are again not giving our children the opportunity to prove themselves capable. Our short term ‘fix it’ may not have the desired long term results; our children may become overly reliant with diminished self-esteem.”

It is imperative to provide a safety net, not a safety harness.  When a child knows their parents are there, waiting to assist if necessary, but hoping for success in their endeavours, it can be a very nurturing environment for learning.  Parenting is an ongoing balance of dependence and independence. Age appropriate challenges bring success and confidence now, and provide coping strategies for the future!

And that, really, is what every parent wants.