Effective communication skills can be learned

Most parents set many boundaries for their child: physical boundaries (stranger’s property, a night club) and financial boundaries (allowance). What are yours?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
Question I’d love to learn how I can communicate better with my 17-year-old daughter. I’ve read somewhere the importance of expressing your emotions but don’t exactly know how to do this.
Also my daughter swears at times at home (I guess that’s her way of expressing her feelings) but I don’t like it. Any suggestions?
Answer Your two questions both fall under the umbrella of communication. The great news is that effective communication can be learned. Here are a couple of tips to get you thinking and started!

Expressing Your Emotions
When I tell people this tip, I hear all kinds of responses. Many adults think talking about your emotions is too mushy or not necessary or too girly. The reality is we are all created as emotional beings – men and women. When I ask men how many feelings they think we have, I hear between five to 10. When I ask women, they respond between 10 and 30. Fact is we have more than 3,000 emotions. We all have a huge emotional side yet most of us are completely disconnected to this part of us. The truth is, if we don’t talk it out, we act it out and often in unhealthy ways. So learn how to talk it out!

Your Communication and Voice Boundaries
Most parents set many boundaries for their child: physical boundaries (stranger’s property, a night club) and financial boundaries (allowance). But what about communication boundaries? Some communication boundaries to think of include:
• What words are allowed or not allowed in your home?
• If your child shares something with you, is it okay for you to share that information with your friend, spouse etc.?
• If someone shares something in confidence, do you tell another person?

When boundaries are not defined, it creates a sense of anxiety and chaos. So spend some time thinking about what kind of communication boundaries you want in your home and how you’re going to enforce them. Talk these boundaries out with your kids / teens, get their feedback and create a plan together.