Resolve to build trust with your teen

With a new semester comes a renewed sense of ambition. For many parents, this may also be a time to reflect on the previous term and consider ways to imrove the relationship they have with their teen-aged children. One way to do this is to improve trust.

Trust, it is often said, is the basis of any relationship. As teens mature, they are trying to find the balance between independence and reliance, and a major part of letting them grow up deals with the trust between you and your adolescent.

Here are a few things parents can keep in mind to improve their relationship with their teenagers when they feel their trust has been betrayed:

Forgive. Whenever there is a dispute, it is important for those on both ends to forgive each other and forget what happened. It may take a fair amount of time after an argument to decide to forgive someone, but it is better to take the needed time then to rush to forgive someone without meaning it.

Forget. Both parties must also forget. This doesn’t mean actually being ignorant of your teen’s bad choices, as a parent should prevent their teenagers from putting themselves in dangerous situations; however, unnecessarily bringing something up that has already been settled will only enrage your teen. The one being forgiven also has to take time to honestly accept an apology and must not obsess about what already happened.

Speak. How can a parent and teenager resolve a conflict without communication? Often, when either is upset with the other, people start to yell. A friend of mine has a mother who has seemed to have perfected the art of shouting; she can be heard through the front door’s weather stripping and down the street.
Even though it’s tempting to bawl out your thoughts at someone who’s upset you, this really doesn’t lead anywhere. Blow some steam off and try to talk with them when you both seem calmed down. You also have to talk “with” your teen, not “at” them. This means not lecturing them, rather, listening to all they have to say before explaining how you feel.

Be honest. This is tricky, since there are sometimes things teenagers and parents don’t–and shouldn’t–share with each other. However, it’s important that parents share whatever they can with their teens. If you are able to explain to your adolescent why you’ve made a decision, it can help them see that you’re not just “out against them”.

A good parent also takes responsibility for bad actions and poor decisions they make. If a parent makes a mistake it’s difficult for them to admit this to a teenager. However, by doing so they give a positive example of openness and their teen is more likely to admit when they make their own mistakes.

Find a solution. If you decide to end a fight with your teens, think of the benefits. If you decide to hold a grudge against them, think of those “benefits”. Does one outweigh the other? It’s extremely important to recognize when your teen is trying to reach out to you. Most of the time, a teenager will want to settle whatever happened and apologize, and keeping it up will only make things worse. If you want to get past what has happened, make sure you both have done the previous steps.

Then it’s in your hands to decide how this will end. Some parents choose the merit that a ripple in the relationship is enough; others impose discipline, such as grounding or curfews. It’s all up to you.

The parent-teen relationship is like no other. As a rule, trust is easily given until it is abused. There are some times when it seems impossible to have, or regain, trust with someone; but if you have taken the time to think about what went wrong and are welcome to conquering a trust issue, the problem can always be resolved. Sometimes it can take months or even years for people to learn to trust each other, but the important thing to remember is that relationships can be reconciled later on and that it is never to late to make a new start.

Dylan Robertson attends All Saints Catholic Secondary School in Whitby. This column is part of a series of columns aimed at helping parents to better relate to their teens.