Focus on building character not achievement

When travelling across the country, I asked parents what their number one goal or objective is when it comes to raising their teens? Parents told me, “I want my teen to be confident, reliable, motivated, disciplined.” Without realizing it, they were focusing on character - they had defined the character of their child. Yet, on a day to day basis, most of us focus more on achievement.

Dear Dr. Karyn,
Question I really like your column each month. My husband of 18 years also enjoys your practical approach to raising kids which we are convinced is the toughest job ever! I read somewhere (I think it was in your last book) that you want parents to focus more on character than marks. Can you explain that a bit more and tell us more helpful tips to make the job of parenting a little easier. I’m so tired of hearing theory and really like your practical guidance.
Answer I talk a lot about the power of character development in my latest book, Dr. Karyn’s Guide to the Teen Years. So let me elaborate on this point as well as offer you three more practical tips!

Focus on character not achievement
I’m a huge advocate for character. When travelling across the country, I asked parents what their number one goal or objective is when it comes to raising their teens? Parents told me, “I want my teen to be confident, reliable, motivated, disciplined.” Without realizing it, they were focusing on character - they had defined the character of their child. Yet, on a day to day basis, most of us focus more on achievement – do our kids have good marks? Do they have the right friends? Are they involved in the right social clubs? I’m not saying it’s bad to focus on achievement but consider the alternative: by focusing on developing your child’s character, the external behaviours and achievements will naturally follow. So start listening to yourself. Is your conversation more about achievement or character development?

Use examples
One simple strategy I’ve found helpful to get teens to talk is to use examples. Examples help put things in context and can make conversations more tangible. For example, if I’m trying to get a teen to express their emotions and I ask, “How do you feel about this?” often I hear, “I don’t know.” But if I offer some examples and ask, “Well, do you feel angry, sad, mad, confused, happy?” they’re more likely to say, “Yes, I feel this emotion.” Often we don’t have the vocabulary to talk so we say very little. Offering examples can open a door to self-expression in a way that may not have been considered before.

Match actions to words
It’s what we call in psychology congruent communication – when our actions and our words match. We probably all know people who say one thing but do another. We tell our children to respect themselves yet we let others disrespect us. We tell our children that if they do one thing a consequence will follow but we don’t follow through.
When we say one thing and do another it sends a very powerful message to our kids that we are not trustworthy. There are many variables when it comes to creating trust and having congruent communication is one of them. When we do as we say it teaches our children to trust our words. And, if we want our kids to talk to us, they have to start trusting us!

Keep your promises
Keeping our promises is an example of letting our actions and words match. When we keep our promises it teaches our children to trust us - that we matter - that we are important. When we break our promises, it teaches them that we don’t really mean what we say and, as a result, they trust us less. So before you start promising anything, really ask yourself if you can really follow through. If there is any chance that you can’t keep your promise, then don’t promise it in the first place. Breaking promises will only create an environment of frustration, anger and distrust and diminishes any chance of your child wanting to communicate with you.