Sidestepping Cupid’s arrow

It’s an inevitable rite of passage in childhood: the first crush. But many parents aren’t prepared for it to happen at seven or eight years old, as seems to be the case – at least anecdotally.

It’s not uncommon these days to hear children in grades two or three talk about their “girlfriend” or “boyfriend.” My son’s teacher says the attraction used to begin around grade four, then the end of grade three and, these days, near the beginning of that grade. Is it anything to be concerned about?
Not necessarily, says Jennifer Connolly, a professor in psychology at York University in Toronto.
“There are people who say passionate attractions, or crushes, can happen at any age,” she explains. “They can be in children as young as grade one. They’re not sexualized at that point but they can be passionately attracted – very fond – of another child.”
Connolly says research on romantic feelings in younger children is scant, however, studies have shown that it’s normal for children in the middle school years, around grade six, to develop feelings for the opposite sex.
She says the difference between these first crushes, and those that come in adolescence, is in the “quality of the attraction.” She says it’s ‘sexualized’ by the time children become teenagers.
“When we think about young children’s passionate attractions to another child, we tend to put it in sexual terms, but I don’t think it necessarily has to be,” she says.
Even though those feelings are likely not sexual in nature, Connolly says some children are embarrassed, or have their feelings hurt, when they’re called ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend.’
“If a child’s uncomfortable by it, then it’s helpful for them to say those kind of relationships are for older kids, so it’s okay to feel uncomfortable and it’s okay not to want to do that,” she says.
Connolly says even if your 7-year-old daughter enjoys the idea of having a boyfriend, or your 8-year-old son radiates at being the object of a classmate’s attention, it’s still important to talk about what’s going on.
“It would be helpful to ask ‘What is it you understand that to be? Who is this person? Tell me about them. Why do you say it’s your boyfriend or girlfriend?’ Just to have some concept of what their understanding is of it,” she says.
As obvious as it may seem, Connolly says children sometimes need to be told that it’s okay to be friends with a child of the opposite sex – that they don’t have to be girlfriend/boyfriend to be pals.
She says exclusive friendships – whether romantic in nature or not – are not healthy at any age.
“You don’t want your child to have just one best friend,” she says. “You want them to have more than one friend and to have more than one person to fall back on. It would be the same thing if a child seemed really fixed on another little boy or little girl.”
Connolly says the important question is: what are they doing and what is the outcome?
“If they’re just saying ‘Oh, she’s my girlfriend, he’s my boyfriend’ but that’s all they’re doing, big deal,” she says. “But if they only want to spend time with that one person, and neglecting other friendships, well, then like any other friendship, parents have to start to monitor it.”
It’s a bit of an uphill battle, however, in the face of pop culture. Connolly says parents are working against many messages.
“There’s modeling, for sure, and popular media is where kids turn to for learning about new relationships,” she says. “They’re not going to ask their moms and dads about girlfriends and boyfriends. They learn it from TV, from movies, from the music they start to listen to at that age, from video games.”
Connolly says the benefit of early crushes is that it opens the door to talking about healthy relationships before children become teenagers and “relationships are totally dominating their lives.”
More importantly, she says, this is a good opportunity for parents to establish their right to help their child create good relationships – and limits on those that aren’t positive.