Striving to be the perfect mom?

Find out how modern day myths are making your miserable

Are you one of those moms who just don’t know how your mother did it? Do you feel that your child’s potential is your responsibility? Do you feel that raising children is a competitive sport? Are you trying so hard to be the perfect mother that you are simply miserable? Are you a working home mom who feels guilty even time you drop your kids off at daycare?

Renowned Adlerian parenting coach and psychotherapist, Alyson Schafer has some good news for you. You have permission to be imperfect. She challenges the myths that we live by as mothers in the 21st Century in her no-nonsense book Breaking the Good Mom Myth. The culmination of two years’ work, the book aims to help mothers “get past perfection to regain their sanity and raise great kids.” This is a lofty goal by today’s media-fuelled standards, which drive women to compete with and judge each other mercilessly, but one that is achievable.

8 Mothering Myths
1. Self-care is selfish: Most moms feel guilty if we attend to our own needs, believing we’re being selfish if we aren’t concentrating on our children 100 per cent of the time. Not only do moms themselves feel guilty but society attaches stigmas to any mother who puts herself first.

2. My children are a reflection of me:  We are so consumed by this myth, constantly worrying about what other mothers will think if your child goes to school without a snack, or without their mittens.

3. My marriage can wait: Perfectionist moms who focus solely on their kids might raise great children at the expense of their marriage.

4. Good mothers are all caring and all protecting: Pampering your children denies them the basic right to learn and grow at their own pace. Ultimately Schafer believes this leaves them ill-equipped to handle life’s challenges. Our job as parents is to prepare not overprotect.

5. Good mothers are in control: Adults don’t like to be controlled and children are no different. Exerting too much arbitrary control over our children leads to countless power struggles, which creates power-hungry children.

6. Good mothers manage sibling conflict: Siblings fight for a reason and Schafer says they do it to get their parents’ attention, and it often works to pit one child against the other. She says the best way to decrease sibling competition is to stay out of their rows. Let them resolve it themselves and don’t take sides.

7. Only the best education will do: Smarter, faster, sooner is a dangerous trend that sends the message to your child that they are deficient and less than what you want them to be. Schafer insists that nearly all advances disappear as “advanced” children stabilize and “slower” children catch up.

8. Good mothers make life fun and entertaining: Unstructured free play is the way children learn, they learn to self-entertain and often experience their own unhindered bursts of creativity. Today’s mom is so busy planning every free minute, there’s not time for solitude.

BTGMM doesn’t just point out what some of you might already know. The book provides you with ways to breakdown the myths and regain the sanity (and equality) in your home. She discusses ways to cope with power struggles, establishing a democractic family, encouraging without overpraising and overwhelming, slow parenting versus fast-fix parenting, how we stimulate sibling rivalry, the damaging effects of pampering children and how mothers push dads out of the picture in their quest for perfection.

Breaking the Good Mom Myth asks you to reconsider how you raise your children and treat yourself. By doing so you will be happier and, ultimately, a better mother and wife.

Breaking the Good Mom Myth is available at Amazon.ca for $14.99

Alyson Schafer has a masters in counselling, is the mother of two children and host of The Parenting Show on Rogers TV (channel 10) which airs Mondays from 2 p.m. to 3 p.m.

Democratic parenting
Alyson Schafer was raised on Alfred Adler’s principle of democratic parenting. Her father and grandmother were co-founders of the Alfred Adler Institute of Ontario, the precursor to the Adler School of Ontario where Alyson holds her degree. A foundation for her parents was a text by Rudolf Dreikurs. Groundbreaking for its time, his book Children: The Challenge is Schafer’s own parenting “bible” which provides fundamental principles on which to raise your children that stand even today.

So what is democratic parenting? How does it differ from what you know or how you were raised? Democratic parenting is based on the principles of equality and trust. Parents and children are equal in terms of their need for dignity and worth but not in necessarily in terms of responsibility and decision making.

This style of parenting is based on giving the child both independence and responsibility. Discipline is used to teach and guide, rather than to punish, manipulate and control.  Children are raised to take a problem solving approach to life and to view mistakes as opportunities to learn. Encouragement is the mainstay of democratic parenting.

Visit her website for further information on upcoming workshops at www.alyson.ca. For more on Adlerian child guidance principles see http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/hstein/guid.htm