Beyond ‘Where do babies come from?’

Congratulations! You somehow got through the first chapter of ‘Everything Your Child Wants to Know About Sex and Isn’t Afraid to Ask’. Are you ready for round two?

In case you haven’t noticed, today’s tweens are a whole lot savvier than when we were their age. “I’ve been in practice for 20 years, and I’ve certainly seen a shift,” notes child and family therapist Sara Dimerman. “Now I see that 10 is the new 14. The typical nine- to 12-year-old is much more exposed to information, both on TV and on the Internet. This is an age where there are questions like ‘What is an erection?’. They’re hearing words that they may not be completely familiar with, but are curious about.”

Pre-teens are becoming aware of their own erotic thoughts, desires, and longings, so expect your child to wonder about feelings she might be having. “They’re starting to not think that boys are as gross, and are gaining an understanding of boyfriend/girlfriend; they want to know the difference between sex and making out,” adds Dimerman.

“Be honest and share age-appropriate information; don’t say things like, ‘I don’t think that’s something you should know about.’ It’s okay to say that sometimes people have sex when they’re not just procreating.”
Are you squirming yet? “That’s not a good enough reason to say I’ll talk to you about it later,” cautions Dimerman.

“Find ways to discuss it even if you’re embarrassed. The child needs to know about this, and you want to be the teacher.”

Parents should be aware of what their tween has been exposed to, and find opportunities to bring up topics. Watch television shows with your kids that explore romantic or sexual relationships, such as Degrassi or One Tree Hill, and use them as discussion springboards.

“Children generally don’t listen to lectures, so maybe talk about your personal experience; find a way to integrate those discussions into everyday life,” advises Dimerman, who found a perfect opportunity to discuss the repercussions of unprotected sex when a 17-year-old friend of the family had a baby.
Dimerman brought her nine-year-old daughter along for a visit. “Lots of questions came up, because my daughter’s belief was you get married and then you have children. This was a chance to explain that once you get your period, that means you can get pregnant, which led to a discussion of what (our friend) could’ve done to prevent getting pregnant.”

If you’re unsure just how much your child knows, “ask very specific questions that give you the information to identify gaps in their knowledge,” suggests Dimerman. “If they ask, ‘What’s a blow job’? You might ask, ‘What do you think it is?’”

Carolyn Hayes*, mom of three daughters aged five, eight and 10 did just that when her oldest began asking sex questions.

“She got information from friends, and then she brought it up. I asked her, ‘What do you think that is?’ just to be sure she was getting the right information,” recalls Hayes. “She was a little embarrassed about talking to me; I told her not to be. Truthfully, I think the hardest part is explaining it to them in a simplified way that they’ll understand.”

Shelly Fersten* provides open, honest and age-appropriate to her daughter, who is 10½. “I let her know it’s normal and healthy to be curious and that she can ask me anything, no matter how weird or dumb or ‘gross’ it is,” says Fersten.

“It’s normal for them to feel awkward or shy, but it’s healthier to talk to your parent and get the right information than a friend. Pick the right time and place to have this discussion. Don’t avoid the subject; mention it casually if there’s been no curiosity. If the child isn’t ready for ‘the talk’, let it go for a while, then try again a few months later.”

When Fersten’s daughter was nine, she read a book with her and discussed sex. “She was a little disgusted by what I told her; I tried not to lecture and be too serious; I was just relaxed and somewhat humourous about it.”

Oh, and if you notice that your daughter is starting to develop, “don’t say, ‘Oh, you’re getting little boobies!’ Be respectful of your children’s bodies,” adds Dimerman.

“The bottom line is educating our children to have self-respect, and not do anything that makes them uncomfortable,” says Dimerman. “To me, if that foundation is really strong, then all of these things will not be engaged in at a time that’s not appropriate.”

*Names changed upon request

Wendy Helfenbaum is a writer and television producer at www.taketwoproductions.ca.

Resources for parents:

The Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada’s
sexualityandu.ca

Two books worth a read:
The Little Black Book for Girlz: A Book on Healthy Sexuality from St. Stephen’s Community House, a humourous book covering the A to Zs of sexuality, endorsed by health professionals, and featuring real-life stories, poetry and art from teen contributors.

The Real Truth About Teens & Sex, by Sabrina Weill, former editor-in-chief of Seventeen magazine.