Is it the end of modesty as we know it?

This past spring, the Los Angeles Times proclaimed that teenage modesty was back in style. Miley Cyrus’ new look was all ruffles, pigtails and jeans, a stark contrast to last year’s near-scandalous Vanity Fair cover, where the starlet’s sensual pose, bare back and shoulders sparked much debate.

Parents of tweens and teens routinely share ‘war stories’ of the strange or crazy things their kids have done, worn or begged for that pushed the limits of what’s age-appropriate. Bet you haven’t hear this one, though: When Robin Levitt recently visited her esthetician, the conversation veered away from the standard gossip they usually discussed.
The distraught esthetician asked Levitt, a social worker, for her professional opinion about an ethical quandary. The 12-year-old daughter of a long-time client had called to book an appointment for a Brazilian bikini wax, saying that her mother had agreed to let her get one.

“The idea that this young person is going to an esthetician in the first place is an interesting one,” says Levitt, who was appalled that the young girl felt the need to groom her nether regions. “Her mother had initially been ambivalent, but when push came to shove, she didn’t have the strength or the courage to say no, so she said yes. Now, my esthetician was left to decide if she felt comfortable doing a Brazilian wax on a child.”

The esthetician ultimately refused the tween’s request, and Levitt soon faced her own modesty dilemma when her twin 10-year-old daughters were invited to a lingerie-themed birthday party at a La Senza Girl boutique.

“The kids pick out outfits, put on a fashion show and then, instead of a candy loot bag, they get a gift certificate to spend there,” explains Levitt. “I felt it was completely unacceptable to have my girls celebrating someone’s birth by looking at the whole issue of clothing, sexuality and body image. It did not feel right.”

And yet, Levitt wasn’t totally sure what to do after discovering that none of the other mothers had refused to let their daughters attend the party. “On one hand, I wanted my kids to be a part of this celebration for someone they cared about, but on the other hand, I felt uncomfortable.”

Despite tremendous pressure from her kids, Levitt knew that in order to stand her ground and make an important point about modesty and values, “I couldn’t keep my reason a secret. If the mother asked me why, I wasn’t going to say they were too sick to attend; I had to be honest.”

More peer pressure for parents?

Child and family therapist Sara Dimerman says parents need to be cautious about blindly following the actions that other parents take. “You’d be surprised at the number of parents that just give in because they don’t want to look overprotective in front of their peers, or they don’t want to upset their children.”

Levitt admits that it’s very hard to be ‘The Mean Mommy’. “My girls react with disappointment, anger and frustration. They see me as old, uncool, and really out of the loop,” she says.

Levitt adds that even though today’s girls seem to be developing much faster than we did, “if you allow them to engage in things that are above where they’re at cognitively, they’ll get themselves into uncomfortable situations and more risky kind of behaviour.”
Dimerman adds that parents also face a slippery slope once they start allowing their children to wear provocative, skimpy clothing.

“It’s a hard line to walk, because you want to say, ‘Take that off; you’re not leaving the house in that’,” she says. “But you need to explain your rationale so that you don’t come across as just an authoritarian parent.”
Dimerman recently counselled a 12-year-old girl who had posted a provocative picture of herself on Facebook. “In her eyes, she couldn’t see anything wrong with it. Her mother made her take it down. This is an important age, where we need to teach children about self-respect.”

The next time your daughter comes downstairs in short-shorts and a skimpy top, Dimerman suggests explaining that when she wears suggestive outfits, it sends out a message about what kind of person she is. Ask her if she wants other people to think of her that way.

Daddy Duty
With her own daughters, Dimerman finds it helpful to get her message about modesty across through her husband. “Mothers tend to be more critical of their daughters, but if a father says, ‘When I was a young boy, if I were to see a young girl dressed like that, I’d think that she was somebody who was going to be easy to have sex with,’ it might hold more weight.”

Dimerman concludes that parents have a responsibility to do what they feel is the right thing, “even if it means that we’re not very popular either amongst our own peer group or with our children. You’ll feel so much better about yourself as a parent if you have strong convictions and there’s consistency in what you do.”

Levitt agrees that when you set boundaries that make sense, “on some level, your kids get the message of caring and security that they need to move forward.”

Wendy Helfenbaum is a writer and television producer at www.taketwoproductions.ca.