Running ragged trying to be perfect?

Being a parent is challenging — whether you are a mom or dad. The pressure, however, that women put on themselves especially, can often be overwhelming.

Alyson Schafer’s new book Breaking the Good Mom Myth, is a gift for women everywhere who want to regain sanity in their homes. It, after all, gets tiring trying to live up to not only your own but everyone else’s expectations.

I realized that I was living by not one but nearly all of the myths she describes in her book when I got my son’s progress report this week. While I read the report (called an assessment by Durham Region) I started to feel anxious, convincing myself that ‘my son knows how to count to 30 let alone 10,’ ‘he can name practically his whole classroom’. All of these things danced through my head, until I literally had to stop myself. The myth of ‘Only the Best Education Will Do’ rang true for me.

We’re all looking to make our children smarter, faster, better, rather than letting them learn at their own pace. In fact, nearly every day I consider sending my son to Montessori or private school but it is just not feasible. Does that mean I love him less? Am I a bad mom? Is public education inadequate? Alyson Schafer would say ‘no’. While she was raised by Adlerian parents, her children attend public school.

Rationally, I have seen my son blossom in recent months since beginning his public school education. He can write his name, recognize rhymes, predict stories and his vocabulary grows daily. (See how I rationalize?) He is excited by learning and why should my compulsions and insecurities take that away from him?

At the end of the day, isn’t my purpose as his mother to raise a responsible, compassionate, well adjusted child? Does that mean he has to become a doctor or lawyer and drive a $50,000 vehicle.

This point was reinforced recently while reading about 44-year-old Telus CEO Darren Entwhistle who, while successful beyond his dreams, is terribly unhappy. Like many fathers, he has focussed so much on his career, he has missed out on milestones with his family.

One of the most important chapters is entitled “My Marriage Can Wait”. As moms we decide to put the children first and this often comes at the expense of our husbands. Wives often shove their partners out of the way, assuming their parenting style is best. Schafer assures her audience that their marriage will not wait; that you will both wake up when your kids are 18 and realize you don’t love each other anymore because you haven’t taken the time to nurture your relationship.

In the quest to be perfect parents raising the perfect child, we lose sight of who we are as women and men, wives and
husbands.

We’re becoming a society of ‘helicopter’ parents who hover so closely above our children that they cannot think or do for themselves. Heaven forbid they made a mistake, didn’t say ‘thank you’ or scraped their knee in the driveway because you turned your back for a split second.

In the words of Alyson Schafer, mothering has become a competitive sport, and the playing field is your kitchen, the school council or your own neighbourhood. Women are running ragged trying to live up to everyone’s standard of the ‘perfect mom’; a standard which is totally unachievable.

Breaking the Good Mom Myth opens your eyes and explores the many misconceptions you have about being a mom. It challenges you to take an honest look at how you raise your children and offers practical, democratic parenting solutions — in fact, the book leaves you wanting more.

I encourage all women to purchase this book because it will change the way you treat your children, your husband and most importantly yourself.