How your child’s character reflects you

Character is defined as moral strength. It distinguishes each of us from each other. So how does your child's character reflect on you?

In between working full-time, extracurricular activities, making lunches, setting out clothes, folding laundry and breaking up fights, I’ve been learning about building a child’s character.

The current book on my nightstand is Sara Dimerman’s Character is The Key. If you do not have a copy of this book, you owe it to yourself and your family to add it to your library.

Adults model initiative, empathy, optimism, perseverance, fairness, courage, honesty, integrity and respect in every interaction with their children. It would hardly be surprising that a boy shows poor sportsmanship in the hockey arena if Mom and/or Dad are yelling obscenities at the referee right? So, the question is: what have you done lately to show your kids what good character is?

To get you thinking about specific character traits, Sara raises these questions:

• Do you tell the truth?
• Do you persevere through a difficult project?
• Do you see the cup half full?
• Do you fulfill your obligations?
• Do you acknowledge your child’s feelings or observations?
• Do you apologize?
• Do you speak to your children, friends, parents and elders with respect?
• Do you remain neutral during your children’s arguments?

Armed with this food for thought, I set out to affect change in our home. Realistically, I couldn’t tackle every character trait at once so I took on RESPECT first. Asking for what we want with a respectful tone and language has been something lacking in our home. Orders seem to be barked from me to them, and them to each other. ‘Eat your breakfast, get dressed, brush your teeth, hands to yourself, don’t touch that, get out of the way, give me the vitamins…’ Realizing this, I was humbled, once again, as we parents are, and I began to make adjustments.

Every day you can overhear me repeating: “Do unto others.” In their interactions with each other I try to identify how they could better speak to each other and how I could better address them. ‘How would you feel if I spoke to you the way you just spoke to your sister?’ Hopefully I am addressing empathy, honesty and courage in the same fell swoop!

Instilling character certainly requires much more thoughtful action on my part. While our new approach has required me to get on their level to explain just how it feels, it has also opened my mind to their insights as well. Truly, this ‘experiment” has fostered empathy on both sides.

Good riddance to the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do days. Today’s child, at least in my home, gets to call us out. When my children call me out on my own behaviour, I think: ‘Touché. Mommy did promise to take you to the park after dinner.’ If I had ever done that to my mother, however I would certainly have not seen the park that night or any other night that week for being a ‘smart ass’! Times sure have changed!

Our children are privileged and protected. They have been socialized to have expectations — often unrealistic — of just how much we can provide and do for them. In many ways we have taken so much of the good that our parents taught us and tossed it out. Character is The Key is asking us to get back to basics. It is asking us to take a step back, begin to set limits and expect more of ourselves and our children. Not by instilling fear but by teaching long-term lessons that will build life-long character.

It is more work building character in our children but it is so worth it. I can already see direct, positive results from our initial efforts. And I am so much more confident about facing future issues. After all I have six more years until the teens!

Note to school administrators: the book’s publisher is offering a discount to school boards interested in purchasing the book. Please contact the author at helpmesara@sympatico.ca.