Celebrating the dreaded birthday party

It’s a celebration! The day of a child’s birth is one of the most awe inspiring events in life. So why, I wonder, do we choose to commemorate it with the exquisite torture that is the birthday party?

The day of the birth is the most civilized birthday of them all. The attendees are a mother who is too exhausted to move, a father who is overwhelmed by the responsibility of this new life, and a baby that has not yet learned to wail at full tilt. This makes for a rather peaceful party overall.  

From then on, however, this birthday thing gets a little out of hand. For the first birthday party, the family home is overwhelmed with adults who think that little babies enjoy their loud and boisterous company. These clueless, but well meaning grown ups cannot seem to understand that little child’s confusion when they bring out a huge cake with a single candle and he bursts out crying because his mom doesn’t let him reach out to grab it!

As the years go by, the baby stops trying to snatch that burning torch in the sweet centre of the birthday cake. He learns how to blow out the candles with a little coaching from Mom. By the time the child is three or four years old, it seems that maybe this birthday thing might not be so bad after all.  

And then school starts. School - the root of all learning and the root of all evil. School - the place where this young child is going to make friends. School - the locale where this angelic offspring learns about swearing and sharing. Of course, the kindergarten interpretation of sharing means that everyone in the class must be invited to the birthday party. 

There’s always one smart parent who says: “No dear. Whatever your age is, that is the number of friends you can invite to your party. No more and no less. If you are four, you can invite four friends. If you are five, you can invite five friends. Don’t worry. When you are one hundred years old, I will let you invite one hundred friends!”

The rest of the exhausted, but well meaning parents say: “I love it that you want to share.  You can invite the whole class”. And thus begins the descent into birthday chaos. Over the years, practised party parents can attest to a variety of fiesta fiascos that may include any combination of punching, biting, crying, swearing, running, sliding, bleeding and barfing  - and that’s just in the first fifteen minutes after the little darlings are dropped off.  It is a known fact that recovering from some children’s birthday parties can rival even the best New Year’s Day couch cruising.  

After awhile, some of the tired parents figure out that they can relieve a little of the party work load and stress by holding the celebration at one of those play places for kids. You know the places that I mean. They’ve got fun, alliterative names, colourful games and play equipment strewn across questionable carpeting. And the kids can swing on climbing ropes that contain enough cold viruses to keep the whole class home until Christmas. 

This party solution works out just fine as long as you don’t mind taking out a small mortgage on your home in order to enjoy the company of the other fifteen birthday brats and their atrocious guests. In fact, some people have embraced this solution and they say that the sights and smells evoked by these group parties define the modern day birthday party experience. I think the jury is still out on the positive or negative impact that these birthday factories might have on future generations. 

Fortunately, by the time most children hit their teens, they want nothing to do with their parents on the occasion of their birth. Most teenagers will go to great lengths to plan a birthday party funded by the parents, but without an appearance by those very same people who were responsible for their arrival all those years ago.  No wonder they call it the sweet sixteen birthday.  We no longer have to endure the persecution that is the child’s birthday party – and that is sweet!